Dear Little Lori,
You had the eyes that reflected a flower. Your curiosity was endless, and your hope has always been strong. All you needed was a cuddle, your Gramma and some love — like a flower needing some sun and a nice drop of rain. As a kid you just wanted to be the president of the neighborhood welcoming committee, a teacher to the little kids and a Momma to your baby brother. When you were a little kid, you hoped to impress your big brother with your lack of knowledge to spell. He always found that to be hysterical, because even though you had no idea how to spell cat, you did it anyways. You were naturally excited about school and the possibilities it offered. You loved how your teachers organized their classrooms and how they wrote so perfectly. You somehow knew what school bus to get on, but feared not knowing how to get home. You were so excited to start learning, so much that you even ‘jumped the gun’ to the next page in your homework packet with questions, only to be scolded by your anxious teacher demanding a little patience from an incredibly eager Little Lori. I’m sorry that because of that, you learned that it was safer not to ask questions; and to stay quiet. Quiet kept you safe. Anger and frustration and vulnerability WAS unsafe. But, you did boast about how cool your brothers were, because they could do things no one else could!! I mean really, their talents are immeasurable to anyone else in the world.
Lori, just like so many, you have been through so much. So many distractions in your younger years that you had no control over; but, they were distractions, no the less. You watched your Uncle battle and defeat a strong and long road of addiction. But before he defeated it, you remember him living part of it in your childhood memories. One minute he was there, and the next MISSING. Even though his sobriety was an answer to your longest prayer to date, you still were a little too small for such a grown up reality and because of it, you obsessed over, instead if just playing. You obsessed over a lot of things instead of just playing…and having fun. Running from him that day when he stopped in for “some help” from your dad, made you sad for many years — all you really wanted to do was give him a big hug. That’s why you always DID when he was sober.
You said farewell to your very first friend, without knowing if you’d ever see them again. And reassured again, by the prayer that you would see them soon. That is a magical story for another day.
You were distracted by school drama, and not the dramaclub kind. You had friends who needed a little bit more love then they were getting at home, with no expectation of getting any love back from them. You were created to love people and to help people. But in the long run, when you looked back on those times all you saw was a void — when were Lori’s needs met? Because you stayed quiet and low maintenance, certain needs were unmet. Sometimes when you tried to ask for help, you weren’t help…AGAIN, ALL YOU NEEDED WAS A LITTLE BIT OF THAT LOVE BACK, THAT YOU OFFERED TO SO MANY, SO FREELY.
You were carted around to all the games and activities your brother’s had scheduled, when (funny enough) all you wanted to be was centerstage — singing and dancing and acting. You settled for karaoke and loved every minute of it. You cheered for your brothers because YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH. But, you often begged them to cheer you on when you finally got the long deserved solo in Godspell.
When I look back at you, Little Lori, I am so impressed by what you did for your friends and for your family. How you loved them and how you prayed and hoped for them. Their happiness, and survival was you ultimate goal. But then you lent, ONLY, a little bit of that to yourself. Sometimes I wonder, Lori, if you had given that effort to yourself when you were younger, where would you be now? WOW. I’m not asking this question to shame or blame you, but to help you realize that you were to strongest Little Lori I ever knew.
You still have your hope and you still have your love for those who really really need it, and even for those who don’t deserve it. But you are learning; too, that loving yourself and hoping for yourself will give more to the world. Cause that is your goal in the world — to leave someone better than you found them. Sure, you have your imperfect opinions, just like everyone else, but you are also convicted by that and truly love people for their who they are and even more for their differences. And now, I am finally learning to do that for you.
Thank you Little Lori for keeping up and for persevering through it all. There were goals you wanted to prove to yourself, when all along you knew you could do it. I couldn’t do any of what I have achieve without you. So, THANK YOU!
Sincerely, YOUR BIGGEST FAN!