You fought your way out of a false happiness…what did that get you? You imagined your way on to that sunset walk on the beach, with a dessert of a dirty martini and extra olives.
You succeeded. You peeled back the pith of your old existence, for what?
The false happiness was a comfortable blanket, a protective cover. With the blanket removed, you barely recognize yourself in this exposed filter. And only every other weekend, the best part of you that cushioned your unhappiness quickly reminds you and reinvigorates your desire for more; to create your own world, Mom. But what is “more”, without the best parts of you. They are me; they are them. So, when I’m not with them, I am with me. Who is that?
Without the blanket, you feel the cold sliver of breeze slicing into your hips when you sleep. The hair on your shoulders trembles because the weightlessness is exploiting. You lie exposed to a new world that is a figment of what you had imagined and yet you wonder, where the fuck am I? It is a twilight zone, it’s a safe zone, it’s a zone. A zone between Long Beach and Sunset.
You wonder if you are creating a new blanket, is this blanket deadening the triggers of vision and purpose…is it minimizing and distracting you from…it is too safe? Will it crochet a similar blanket? Will the colors be different, but the knots be knotted just the same. Will the threads bear a place of warmth and somewhere over the rainbow? Why is it, that right now, who you are, in the moment, is never ever enough…when you are alone?
Are you avoiding yourself, or are you rebuilding yourself? Why can’t you be okay with silence, or solitude? Why do you need to hear from others, what you should say to yourself? When the dust settles, all you feel is uneasy. All the stuff you wanted seems so silly to you and all the people you need are so far away. And yet all you need to want is yourself, but you often think that to love yourselves is to be all for someone else. Who is that someone else? You, right? Someone else is a stranger…. you are someone else.