A famous line from a Reba MacEntire song…”she doesn’t want to leave, she’s just wonderin’ if there is life out there…”
So, it has been a little under 4 months since we called it quits, and what a grieving process has is been. I don’t know if I’m at acceptance, or back at bargaining…anger definitely shows its crazy head more often then not. You do know this SPLIT is something I’VE wanted for a while, but now that it’s happening, I just cannot wrap my head OR my heart around it. I don’t even recognize my head these days. I can’t function as a single entity. My identity for so long has been, US. I often find myself saying things like, “what the hell was I thinking, taking him for granted for so long. And yet, I’m still pissed and actually emblazoned knowing how I have also be taken for granted for so many years. I am a walking contradiction, because I am still in love with the man who was my husband, but I am not in love with our relationship anymore. I was so proud of our relationship too. And all I am doing now is desperately trying to be proud of the friendship I know he and I can possibly have. But enough about HIM.
So, Facebook has invited my into its inner sanctum,m of their dating app…and I obliged and created an account. Clearly, this isn’t the time to be dating. To all my friends and family members reading this thinking, “don’t you think this is a little quick?” YES it is…but I filled out the profile non-the-less. What’s crazy is, I had no idea what to write in my profile. I don’t really know much about MYSELF, as a single LORI. I don’t want any booty calls, I have no desire to get back into a “serious relationship”; whatever that means. There is an option for “friendship” but doesn’t that mean booty call. I have no idea how any of this is suppose to work, but know for a fact I don’t want any of it. I just think I’m doing it subconsciously because I’m guessing it’s the next step. GASP, i know, i know..it definitely is NOT. I was in a relationship for 20plus years, where I geared my life to another, to us, the kids and not to ME. And now that I have the opportunity to do so, my knee jerk reaction is to find someone to fill that void. But no one fits. What the ever-loving heck am I thinking? Well, I’m not… But there is a void. There is a phantom pain to where if I just pulled a mirror up to give the illusion the he is still there, then maybe the pain would go away. I guess I need to learn how to live with the missing part. It’s like looking in a rear view mirror, knowing the you can’t turn around because you are on one of those toll roads that just keeps going…there is no way back. BUT LORI, YOU DON’T WANT TO GO BACK, you just want to fill the place in your heart you put someone else there for so long.
Obviously, I know what I NEED to do. Instead of trying to figure out how to date in 2024, I just need to figure out myself. Take myself to the movies, and and dinner…maybe buy myself flowers like Miley says. I actually might like my toes in the sand. It’s crazy to think, I am a blank canvas when it come to who I think I am. IT’S ALSO KIND OF SAD.
This moment in my live is such a trip, because everything I think, type, speak, hear — all of it feels like it is coming out of someone else body AND NOT MINE. And yet, I LOVE IT and HATE IT all at the same time. I take myself to a new job, where I work with people who know nothing about me. I might know myself just as much…sounds WEIRD I know, but it’s the most logical thing I has written thus far.
Finally, I will admit that, I really wish that SOMEONE would open their Facebook messenger to see that, just maybe we could connect. Maybe they have and I need to take a hint. The hint that I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO CONNECT WITH ME. 🙂